5 Ways Writing Every Day Makes You Hornier

I’ve never done a listicle — I just write lists, and nobody reads them. Not even me sometimes, because often they have that daunting title, “To Do:”. As I’m not in the mood for heavy lifting, I’ll try my hand at a listicle and hope someone reads it. Except you, Mom.

1. You can get carried away describing things

Heaving bosoms and taut pantaloons aside, adjectives are a great way to flick that inner bean of creativity. Something as simple as a floor lamp can be recreated in your mind’s eye as “a steely erection, rising triumphantly but not insistently from the crevice where concrete beam meets blonde wood floor.” This lubed up method of seeing the world could open your senses so that everything around can be seen as sensual.

2. Mundane pieces can get real dirty, real fast

Thank you, Porn. If not for you, the simple act of ringing a repairman or digging through your purse for taxi fare would remain as flat an experience as sex with my ex. All it takes for a humdrum piece to take the left turn into bizarre erotica is a sense of humour and a solemn vow that you’re not going to let anyone read how gross you can be, no matter how good that last sentence was.

3. You can be a teenager again

I never kept a diary longer than the first ten odd pages of a random notebook, but I’ve heard tell of many fifteen-and-up adolescent girls keeping a diary so they can gush about their tentative forays into sexuality, and their hormonal devotion to Marco the Bad Boy from 6th period after they let him finger them during the fire drill. Writing a daily diary like you’re a teenager again might not make your privates into publics, but it might give you that rush of excitement you used to feel whenever you saw your crush in the hallway (that rush, which is now only reserved for the idea of a long weekend, a bucket of ribs, a helmet full of chocolate, and a Fresh Off the Boat binge with no need to stop and take shower breaks).

4. Dreams are worth jotting down

On the whole, the people who track their dreams seem to be a lot more self-aware than poor schlubs like me who prefer hitting the snooze button rather than keeping a dream journal. If you’re lucky enough to get a sex dream that doesn’t leave you in cold sweats, rocking yourself back and forth in the fetal position, then writing it down could set the tone for the day. If, like me, you get carried away easily, make sure that nobody is around when you dry-hump the water tower in the break room.

5. It takes some actual skill to do well

Puns notwithstanding, writing good erotica is hard. You can run the risk of it being too boring, too flowery, too romantic, too dark, too bitter, too vague, too overwritten, and so on. Perhaps a good test if you’ve written good erotica is to read it and see if it gets you rooting through your couch for batteries for the vibrator you haven’t used since 2005. If so, word of advice: disinfect. If not, take a crack at it again tomorrow. Don’t stop until you get off.

Have any ideas on how writing every day makes you hornier? Leave a comment below and clap for yourself!